Watching The Beach

Tonight, I watched a movie called The Beach with my sister.  The tagline was sizzling: "Innocence never lasts forever" , and the back cover described the film as, to paraphrase, a "sultry beach adventure."  The cover image is a shot of Leonardo DiCaprio (yes, he is in this movie; yes, that is why I watched it) emerging from the water, all wet, and gasping for breathe.  

Yes, this film was banking on the sex appeal of my friend Leo.

But this was, for me, not enough.  To start off with, Leo's character was a total douche.  I could tell immediately, because he gelled his hair in the completely douchey style that most douche-bags choose to sport.  The style is one where only the tip of the hair is gelled; much like a shark.  For examples, see Bradley Cooper in He's Just Not That Into You.  

  

Leo's character, named "Richard", also proved his doucheyness (I am making up the spelling to these silly words as I go along) through his behavior early on.  Within the first five minutes of the film, he drinks snake blood because some Thai man tells him that all the tourists refuse to do it; refraining from drinking snake blood suddenly threatens his manhood, so he does it.  This was a terrifying scene for my sister and me, because it pairs our two greatest fears: for me, blood, for her, snakes.  We screamed and held onto each other until we realized the madness was over.

But the madness had only begun.

Richard (I think I will call him Ricky Douche now for kicks) invites the hot French girl and her boyfriend to go on an adventure with him to a magical beach, after hearing about it and receiving a map from his now dead-by-suicide neighbor.  Ricky Douche's relationship with the hot French girl really depresses me, because her French boyfriend is the best character in the entire film.  He is cute and nice and not a douche.  But she, eventually, sleeps with Ricky Douche anyway.  And all because he is good at poking fish with a spear.

I am not going to give a plot synopsis of the film, but I will tell you when it climaxes: When the camera zooms in on Ricky Douche as he picks a little green worm from a leaf, places it on his tongue and chews it, and while he is chewing it, one of his eyes twitches and bulges out obscenely.  Then he swallows it.  

Basically, I was a little displeased by this film.  But I felt accomplished when I finished it, because it was so hard to watch.  Plus, its one more Leo movie down.  And if you think I am mad at my friend Leo for being in this absurd movie, think again.  His ability to play a character like Ricky Douche only proves his versatility as an actor.  Plus, we are best friends for life.